i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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