I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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