Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
