well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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