theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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