Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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