standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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