I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I AM VODKA MAN
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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