The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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