one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
