I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
