he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
