god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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