My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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