I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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