Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
