mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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