My friends, they love my intelligence
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Randomize
