I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
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Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
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I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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