i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
