in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
