got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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