I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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