my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
