That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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