Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
