Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
