Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
