I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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