if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
