the condom got lost in my hair
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
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You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
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The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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