I am in a vortex of obligation.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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