No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
