I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
