I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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