god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
