You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
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Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
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Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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