Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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