mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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