so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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