i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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