That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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