What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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