We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
