she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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