I cannot find my penis.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
