Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
