i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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