I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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