Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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