im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
