Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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