remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
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I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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