we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
