it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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