Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
