I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
