She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
