have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
