it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
