Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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