a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
