I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
