Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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