I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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